Some weird cyber landscape waterfall.
Image created by Chris Hanson using Stable Diffusion
Don’t go chasing waterfalls, developers. The real thrill is in chasing dopamine. And Dopamine-Driven Design (DDD, no relation to Guy Fieri’s DDD, though we do love the rush of some spicy food!) is here to be your personal hype man, your code-fueled adrenaline shot, your all-access backstage pass to the neurochemical rave in your prefrontal cortex. Buckle up, buttercup, because we’re about to ditch the tired old grind and inject some sweet, sweet pleasure into your development cycle.
What is Dopamine-Driven Design?
DDD isn’t your mama’s Test-Driven Development. While Test-Driven Design is all about the slow burn of satisfaction that comes from meticulously crafting tests before even a single line of code, DDD is a kaleidoscope of instant gratification. We prioritize the thrill of the fix, the rush of solving a problem in the most dopamine-inducing way possible, consequences be damned.
Here are some of the crucial tenets of DDD
VigilPro
Forget Jira or GitHub. DDD tracks issues through VigilPro, named after the ADHD medication Provigil, because let’s face it, attention spans are as scarce as good sleep in coding trenches. Issues are prioritized based on a complex (read: completely made-up) algorithm called “Dope Points,” (a parody of Agile Development’s “Story Points”), a metric that reflects the sheer coolness, challenge, and reward potential of fixing a bug. The Dopiest issues, naturally, get tackled first.
Bounce-Up
Meetings? Boring. Stand-ups? SIT DOWN! DDD embraces the “Bounce-Up,” a daily huddle that’s Extremeier than XP and more agile than Agile where issues are assigned based on an auction system driven by Mine Points (a currency mined through past Dopiest victories), recent dating successes, how cool their car, wardrobe, hairstyle and fashion sense are, and general extroverted attitude and amount of stimulants the participants are on. Yes, that’s a run-on sentence. Roll with it.
Hip Developers Participating in a Bounce-Up!
Image created by Chris Hanson using Stable Diffusion
Mine Points
Forget gold stars, Mine Points (‘Mine is short for dopaMINE and recalls the greedy expression MINE) are the real treasure. Earned for solving Dopiest issues in the flashiest, fastest way possible (technical debt? who cares!), Mine Points can be redeemed for what coders crave, energy drinks, sugary snacks, and nap pods shaped like giant novelty smartphones.. We’re even working on a cryptocurrency shitcoin for Mine Points called MineCOIN, with premining, NFTs and cryptobro shills – come join the pump ‘n’ dump before the rug pull. Cryptocurrencies are SO dope and are their own dopamine rush!
Why Use DDD?
Forget delayed gratification, DDD gives you the dopamine hit right here, right now. Who needs validation from CI/CD successes and user feedback when you’ve got the instant endorphin rush of a perfectly coded hack?
Let’s be honest, normal coding can be a slog. DDD injects some much-needed excitement. Imagine the thrill of bidding on a Dopiest issue with your Mine Points, the adrenaline rush of coding against the clock for extra dopamine rewards. It’s like coding meets “Squid Game,” minus the deadly consequences (probably).
How to use DDD?
Conduct your Bounce-Ups with our Meeting Mania(™) guide – Scrum Masters the world around are Bouncing to get certified in Meeting Mania. Key features of Meeting Mania include Brainstorm Blizzards, where instead of boring brainstorming sessions or polls, teams throw marshmallows at a whiteboard covered in sticky notes (dopamine rush from hitting the target, sugar rush from eating errant marshmallows). To unplug from the keyboard, we introduce Bug Battles, where we identify bugs by assigning them fictional monster personas, then hold mock battles where developers defeat them with code instead of swords (loser buys pizza for the team). If your team is having trouble Bouncing Up, introduce our secret weapon, Dopamine Dances – before tackling Dopiest issues, the team gathers for a ritualistic dance break to “prime the pleasure pumps” (think awkward interpretive dance inspired by the issue title). Bonus points for incorporating props like inflatable unicorns or glow sticks.
Studies show that dopamine motivates action. With DDD, you’ll be chasing that next dopamine fix like a hummingbird on Red Bull, churning out code faster than you can say “Stack Overflow.”
Watch for our innovative supporting product line for Mine-point swag you can profit from by white-labeling in your company in-house gift shop, including personalized emoji pillows, branded flamethrowers disguised as soldering irons, and miniature Dune-inspired zen gardens filled with gummy worms. We have desperate Instagram influencers working 24/7/365 right now to get people pumped up about this! We have partnered with the travel industry to offer MLM/timeshare vacation scams with your corporate branding, accompanied by posters of motivational memes featuring developers in sunglasses on tropical beaches (achieved through Mine point redemption, obviously).
We also have office furniture such as water coolers providing a fountain dispensing energy drinks with flavors like “Code Rush Citrus” and “Bug Bash Berry.” You can even install our Leaderboards of Legend smartboard which shows weekly public rankings based on Mine points earned, recent Dopiest issues conquered, and number of consecutive days avoided by the C-suite (fear is a powerful motivator!). Please note, our intentionally-leaked preview of the Slide & Solve Slides (for a constant adrenaline rush by encouraging “slide & solve” sessions where developers brainstorm fixes while careening between floors) has been embargoed by OSHA at this time.
When to Use DDD?
- When deadlines are tight and stress levels are high. Nothing like a shot of dopamine to push you through that all-nighter.
- When your team needs a morale boost. Forget team-building exercises, a Dopiest issue auction is guaranteed to get everyone fired up (and competitive).
- When you just want to have some fun. Let’s be real, coding is a job. DDD turns it into a high-stakes, dopamine-fueled joyride.
When Not to Use DDD?
NEVER!
DDD: A Cautionary Tale?
Look, DDD isn’t for everyone. It’s a high-wire act, a sugar rush without the crash. You might end up with a codebase that resembles a Jackson Pollock painting after a tequila bender, and your sleep schedule will probably resemble a Willy Wonka toddler’s naptime routine. But hey, if you thrive on chaos and enjoy your coding with a generous sprinkle of absurdity, then DDD might just be your cup of Morning Thunder tea.
Just remember, with great dopamine comes great responsibility. Code responsibly, my friends, and may the Dopiest wins go to the swaggiest coders. Now, excuse me while I go bid on that “unicorn emoji bug fix” issue. Mine Points, baby! Mine Points!
Our next article will be about how to deal with non-Dopiest issues and technical debt in a DDD workplace, and will be written as soon as we can convince someone that it’s cool and fun to write.
